Here is the video slideshow that I made for Amy soon after she died. It has some of her favorite songs as music in the background. It's hard for me to watch, but it also makes me feel happy and closer to her again in a way.

I also have it on DVD, which I know that some of you have been wanting. Send me an e-mail and I'll send you one if you like. You can also download it here.

I love and miss you Amy. Happy Birthday!

The Stair Dance

I dreamed about Amy again last night. It was both a happy and a sad dream. It was sad because part of it had to do with her dying, but it was happy because when I woke up it really felt like I had just seen her. I have had this happen before, and the feeling lasts for days sometimes...like it hasn't been that long since I have been with her.

She was being all wacky in the dream too, in a way that made me laugh. Of course dreams are too weird to try to explain, but still, it felt like Amy being Amy =)

I was walking down some stairs a few days ago and I remembered another fun thing that amy and I used to do. Any time we were walking down a set of stairs side by side, we would do this silly little thing where we would kick our legs up after each step in unison. When we got to the bottom step, we would kick our legs twice. Every set of stairs turned into a dance, it was awesome =)

Miss you Amy....

Different

I find little bits of Amy in myself all the time. People can change each other so much when they are around each other for extended periods of time. I find myself using words like "precious," phrases like "silly goose," and noticing certain ways that I inflect my voice when I talk; all are things that I picked up from Amy.

Amy changed me more than that. My entire life will be different -- and so much better -- then it would have been without her. Sometimes I try to imagine what it would have been like if we had never met, mostly out of regret...and I realize that I can't even imagine it. I am such a different person now. I feel like I was asleep before, and she woke me up. I think she woke a lot of people up.

Amy has sung me to sleep before too. I have heard her voice so clearly that it had to be real. I wish I could summon that experience whenever I want, but I suppose it is a blessing that will come when I need it.

Life is an interesting thing. We live, then we die, and the course of the people we encounter is forever changed. My life has been forever changed, and Amy knows my gratitude.

My Beautiful Cousin

-by Sarah Steelman

I can't tell you how many times I've sat down to post something... but it's just so hard. People say time eases pain. Some days, though, I wake up missing her 50 times more than I did the day before, and I just can't stand it. We all talk about how close we were to Amy, because we were. She truly loved with her whole heart and made sure we knew how valuable we were to her. If she was around when I was having a bad day it would become her mission to put a smile on my face - And she always did =) I was her "Puppa" and so very proud to be.

Amy and I shared something special. There was a tight bond I'm not sure I can even explain. We both see with our hearts, and that can be a beautiful quality in a person. Unfortunately, it's also a quality very easily taken advantage of. And when you put your heart out there, sometimes it gets broken. She wasn't very good at dealing with a broken heart; but the truth is that none of us are. Amy just wasn't as afraid as the rest us. She did all the things I only wished I had the guts to do, I think that's part of what I respected most about her - She really did shoot for the stars. The only time she wouldn't tell me something is if she thought I would be ashamed of her, or look up to her less. Can I just say, there is nothing in the world she could ever do to make me ashamed. I saw the same beautiful, "cool ", hilarious, smart girl every time she was near me. I am so proud of her.

I miss Amy so much; The smell of her hair, the way she would come up next to me and give me an "Amy hug", and of course tell me she loved me, and her contagious laughter. Or how she would stand in front of both the refrigerator and pantry for 5 minutes and end up with only a slice of cheese and a spoon - full of peanut butter. Until Amy, I had never lost anyone. So for her to be the first was the hard. Mourning her death was so painful and difficult for me, but remembering and celebrating her life is what keeps me going. Sometimes when I can't sleep at night I hear her voice...It's nice to still have her sing me to sleep :)

Thanks for always watching over me Amy, I know you still do. I love you!

- Puppa Dale

Sarah

Hamburger Teletubby Lemonade

Amy and I got along really well most of the time, but if there was ever a time when we didn't and we were getting a little heated with each other, we would play this game to lighten things up. There were two, actually. The first was the "silly dance." One of us would have to start performing some ridiculous dance move, and the other person would have to mimic it. Then we would keep adding little parts to the move until we were both doing something completely ridiculous and making crazy noises at the same time. It was pretty hard to stay mad at each other while doing that =)

The other one we would play was a game where we would just randomly put three words together as fast as we could without actually thinking about it. Notice the title of this webpage in your internet browser, "Marinade Lumberjack Chipotle." Yeah, it was something like this. It was a fast-paced game that was also impossible to be angry while playing, so it worked well.

Amy had the silliest way of having fun, and always thought that things that were weird or different or off-the-wall were hilarious. I do too, so we could always have a good time together. I still find myself thinking of these games when I get upset, and often I can play the word game just to have fun and remember her. Sage might remember the game too, I think we played it with her once -- and she was good at it! I'll bet Sage is going to be just as smart and wacky as Amy -- if she isn't already =)

"A Cousin's Challenge" -- by Amy's Cousin Donna

For me Amy was so many things..a cousin, an annoying little sister, a partner in crime, a tattletale, a burden and a joy. She was my introduction to family rivalry. I was the first of many grandchildren in our family, and she was second. But second place was not where Amy was ever meant to be. She was always out shining me...for better or worse. And she always kept me on my toes, always kept me honest (she was never shy about anything, especially letting you know when she thought you were full of **it!), and she always kept me guessing. In essence she was a challenge! This is the title of the poem I've written for Amy...to share all that she was to me at least in some small way. Those of you who attended her memorial service 9/8/04 may remember it:

The Challenge

She is contrast
She is change
She is confusion
And passion and strange
Unintentionally irritating
Charming and infuriating
She is lovely
And she is loved
She makes me laugh
And dream
And hope and scream
She is optimistic
And afraid
Intense and uncontained
She's a challenge
And she loves it
And she hates it
And I get her
And I don't
She is beauty
And she is gone
And I miss her
I miss the challenge!

Donna Wasser(for Amy)
cousin and friend

I miss her so very much, and I hope we can all remember to continue to challenge each-other the way she challenged us!

A Memory by Myrtle - October 2004

I remember the spring of 2003 When my husband, Jeff, Matt, Amy and I went down to Malibu to check out the Pepperdine campus. We had a nice day at the school learning more about it. Afterward we decided to look for a beach. It was already late in the day. We found an area that had beach access but was quite a ways to walk to get down to it. Matt and Amy did the walk while Jeff and I just looked at the view from where we were. It was almost dark by the time 'the kids' arrived back at the car. We were all sitting in the car deciding where to eat dinner when a policeman came over to the car to see why we were still there after dusk. He recommended Coogies restaurant. We, of course, took his suggestion.
Coogies was a great place to eat. I remember that Amy ordered two appetizers instead of dinner like the rest of us. She shared them with us and we let her taste our food. She did like to sample things just like Molly said at the memorial service. That was really a cute and unique part of her personality. I never saw her eat very much at any one time though.
It was fun having Amy with us that day and we all had a good time together.
When we went back to Malibu in the fall, Amy was our waitress at the same restaurant. She was a good waitress and seemed to enjoy being one. She seemed to enjoy working there, too. She was able to see different celebrities almost day.
If you are ever in Malibu, you should eat at Coogies. It does not have a view of the ocean, but the food is great.

A Memory by Aunt Dodie

My earliest memories of Amy are of a charmingly precocious little "fairy princess." Even when she was covered with dirt from digging in the backyard, or covered with blackberry stains from a trip to the berry patch, it seemed that her chubby little feet never quite touched the ground - that she had so much to see and do and explore that she couldn't be slowed down by the practical matters of life. As she grew up I described her as my little bohemian because she was always looking for a new adventure and she was so full of imagination and talent. Last spring I picked her up at the airport to bring her home to her grandparents for some intensive TLC - she was so broken and sad, but she began to recover and blossom under the care of "Grammy" and "Papa" and we had the priviledge of seeing Amy actually begin to appreciate herself and understand how much we loved her. She was excited about the future - her wings were starting to spread again and her fairy princess eyes were sparkling with enthusiasm. She did a lot of hard work when she was in the rehab program and I was so proud of her - I saw so much progress and I wrote the following poem to encourage her a few weeks before she completed her stay. Her name means beloved jewel and I wanted her to know how precious she was to me. This is the way I want to remember her.CherishedSparkling with artistic passion,Brilliantly talented with voice and words.Generous of heart,Tender in spirit.Destined to overcome the demonsWho try to drown her pain.Braver than she knows,Strengthened by the peace of Yahweh.Light as a fairy's whisper,Bold as a princess warrior.A butterfly emerging from the dark,Ready to soar on gossamer wings.This is Amy Crystal - Beloved Jewel.- Aunt Dodie, 8/4/2004

A Memory by Verdooya

I've been thinking for a while about what I could write here about Amy. It's been a long time since I'd seen her, her brother and my sister's wedding in fact...I had missed her then, because I had barely seen her since high school anyway; moving cross country limits that. We had a lot in common- for years we both ran away from a lot of baggage that we preferred to try and leave in the central valley. She always went back to it though. I wish I could've given her a bit the of the escape that I managed, but we each decide on our own path. Irregardless, I have missed her for years, and now I'll just miss her for longer.Man, she was a partner in crime and love and silly girlishness. I remember sitting with her in the common area behind the school, just chilling and talking bout whatever. The shadows stayed away on those days, all thoughts were towards the fun we had then... Theater, church, youth groups, boys, clothes, discovering the first decent coffee shop in Manteca (and that was a LONG time coming let me tell you). We managed plenty of sincere moments. I know she was sad even then, but she didn't talk to much about it, so we all let it lie. Her brother and my sister, as indicated by the wedding reference, we always a bonding point between us. The two of them were and are better folk than either of us could attain to be. We might've had more attitude, but damn if they didn't do everything "Right." So we would tease each other about them and tease each other to lift our more worldly spirits and convince ourselves that the pathes we chose were "Right" as well. I've learned that there is no path that doesn't teach, but I don't know what Amy learned. I hope a lot. I wish I could've talked to her more, but it is what it is, and regret creates guilt so I'll let it be....She was the first home town soul I told about my own pregnancy-- She was already carrying Sage, and we were at my sister Gina and Andy's wedding-- which was occurring because Gina was-- yep, pregnant. So our siblings weren't as Right as we had always assumed and we got a good laugh out of it. She was so excited to be mama though and was going to be the hippest one in California. hmmm...I'm in the very slow process of writing to Sage about her mama. I hope it's meaningful to her later in life. I bawl though everytime I start so I haven't gotten far. I just want to her to know that the last time I saw her mama, she was only talking about her.

A Fall Memory

The weather is starting to get colder down here in Malibu, and when that happens there is a really frigid wind that starts blowing sometimes. There's nothing like it up in the Central Valley. The other night I was on the 3d street Promenade in Santa Monica, and I remembered one of the best times that I had with Amy while we were both living down here. There are a ton of homeless people who live on and around 3d street, and last year at this time we were so worried about them because of how cold it was getting that Amy went to some of the thrift stores around the area and got them to donate bags full of coats, long sleeve shirts, and socks. One night we loaded the back of my car with all of the warm clothes and gave them out to anyone who needed them until everything was gone. Everyone was so appreciative...especially for the socks. I have never had to live on the streets, but apparently a pair of clean, dry socks is something that is really treasured in that situation -- I can imagine.
Amy was always thinking about doing things like that, and she encouraged me to do the same. I really miss her...It makes me so sad that that those kind of things wont happen anymore. She could have been such a blessing to so many more people. She was to me anyway. Next time you set aside some money for good deeds, buy some clean socks and keep them in your trunk to give to someone who may be cold and not have a home; and you can think of Amy when you do it. That was the type of thing she did.

Welcome

Hi all, this is the place to post any memories of Amy that you would like to share. If you would like to make a post, please send a message to amyheckinger@hotmail.com and I will invite you to become a member of this Blog so that you can post. If all this seems too complicated, just e-mail me what you would like to post, and I will do it for you. Easy as pie!